Effective from Dec 2006


Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.



Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.



Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.



Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.



Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.



Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management:-)

LilJoe

I agree with the Sick Days.

Visit the Basement

Hi,

I have seen this staff training memo on headed paper on a company notice board. It was a few years ago though.

Looked very good when printed on a good company letter head piece of paper.

Ceri





STAFF MEMORANDUM

From Human Resources Department Date

To All Staff

Subject. Staff Career Development Training Programme

1. It has now and always been the policy of the Company to assure its employees are fully trained for their positions. Through the current SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING programme, ( S.H.I.T. ) for short. Our policy has proved that we have been able to provide our employees with more S.H.I.T. than all of our competitors.

If any employee feels that they have not received sufficient S.H.I.T. to enable them to progress within the company, they should raise this matter with their immediate line supervisor, who will take the necessary action to ensure they receive more S.H.I.T.

2. Having received all the Special High Intensity Training, ( S.H.I.T. ) available. Employees suitably qualified for further advancement within the company, will be invited to learn the objectives of the COMPLETE RESPONSIBILITY ACTION PROGRAMME ( C.R.A.P. ) for short. Only by learning as much C.R.A.P. as possible can employee’s progress and the company survive in the worlds trading markets.

This higher level training plan will enable employees who show a high level of ability in taking S.H.I.T. and learning C.R.A.P. to advance to management level within the company at an accelerated rate.

3. Employees in this category can expect to become members of the new PROMOTE RAPIDLY AFTER TRAINING SCHEME, ( P.R.A.T.S.) in short.

Satisfactory progress in taking S.H.I.T. learning all the C.R.A.P and becoming one of the P.R.A.T.S. will qualify for the most senior course.

4. The company now has plans for a new high level training course for successful employees of these programmes. This is ADVANCED SUPERVISORY STAFF HELPING OUR LOYAL EMPLOYER or A.S.S.H.O.L.E. for short.

So the simple message to all staff is take lots of S.H.I.T., learn all the C.R.A.P. you can, become a member of the P.R.A.T.S and then you will soon reach the level of being able to qualify as an A.S.S.H.O.L.E.