Would like some opinions as to what is the polite way to handle this:
I live in an apartment building, and there is a new neighbor here who is apparently intent on not leaving me alone. She looked my phone number up and now calls me 4-5 times per day. When I do not answer the phone (caller ID) she takes it upon herself to knock on my door. At first I used to answer the door until I found that no matter what I would say, she wouldn't leave. So I have now stopped answering my door except for that she stands there for at least 10 minutes listening to see if I am home!! If I happen to leave my apartment, she follows me and asks if she can go wherever I am going. I don't exactly feel I am in any danger, but I am begining to feel a little nervous about it all, and I am completely at my wits end as to what to do about it. Any thoughts

Makes me think of a movie... CABLE GUY!!!

Probably just a very lonely person looking for a friend. If you really want to end it, be honest with her and confront the issue instead of dodging her. Tell her calmly that you lead a busy life and you are not interested in establishing new friendships at the moment. It will be painful for her but she will get over it. If this approach fails to work, shoot her.

Shelly

>If this approach fails to work, shoot her.
>


LOL Shoot now and ask questions later. hehe...

You are probably right. I wouldn't mind having a friendship with her if she wasn't so high-maintenence.
I will take your advice (or most of it:clap: )

>I wouldn't mind having a friendship
>with her if she wasn't so high-maintenence.


Um, Jenn, it's not just 'high-maintenance'.. it's called being DESPARATE, CLINGY, AND NEUROTIC!

well now that you mention it.....

shoot her first, then say all that Shelly told you

>shoot her first, then say all that Shelly told you



I wonder if I would have access to PC Q&A from prison.....

I agree with Shelly !
Confront her... have a friend with you if it makes you feel better.

Yes...well I have now confronted her twice. It hasn't done any good whatsoever. Short of going into the witness protection program, there doesn't seem to be anything else I can do. After six phone calls and four knocks on my door today, I could cheerfully beat her to death. I'd get more peace in prison - believe me. Oh well...time for a glass of wine...so relaxing

My experience with those types of people is this:

1. They never learn until it's too late. They'll take a beating from a boyfriend or husband, and keep on justifying it to themselves and everyone else, until they end up dead or disabled.

2. The comment about her being on welfare or public assistance or whatever, and the fact that she is proud of it, that kind of boggles my mind. While there is certainly no shame in such programs, the concept of being proud of a crappy financial situation just doesn't make sense. This sort of leads me to believe that she was raised "in the system" herself.

3. Regardless of what you say, do, or hope for, the decision to leave an abusive spouse or partner is the sole responsibility of the victim.

What I am concerned about is the whole abuse thing. If you think she is being abused by this guy, doesn't it seem at the very least a likely scenario in which he would also at one point (if he already isn't) beat the child?

Adults that get beat up fall into two groups: The Dumb and the Dumber. If you are Dumb, you allow the person to gain a psychological, monetary, or physical advantage over you, and thus feel that the situation will only get worse if you attempt to leave. If you are Dumber, you don't even have the common sense to recognize the above, and go on through life blissfully unaware that the reason your friends are so different is because THEY don't get the crap kicked out of them every night.

If you witness the person being abused, you have a legal right (and probably a legal obligation) to defend that person by whatever means you can. This could mean calling the police, letting her stay with you, finding her a place to stay, or shooting the boyfriend.

So where do you live? I'm thinking of moving in right next to you and seeing just how much I can get away with around your "passive aggressive" husband.

>
>
>So where do you live? I'm thinking of moving in right next to
>you and seeing just how much I can get away with around your
>"passive aggressive" husband.



Well, that might get him out of "passive aggressive" mode..

Jenn; Try this.. Give her to nice verbal responses that have already been recommended in previous reply. Then on the third reply inform her that if she doesn't comply that the next reply will be in writing. If it gets to the first written reply be sure and mention the dates of the three verbal replies. If then if she doesn't back off on the second written reply mention that you will inform the police department. If this doesn't work then you have no choice but to go to the police. I know this will be difficult for you to do because you seem to be a very nice person but sometimes others don't really give you much choice. I wish you well on this problem.

I will try Shelly's advice. If that doesn't work after repeated requests, I guess I will have no choice but to pursue other options. This person does not seem to understand that I cannot be at her beck and call 5 times a day. I have told her I am busy, I have to run errands, take a shower, jump off a cliff, etc, etc, etc, all to no avail. Truth be told, I will have a hard time being direct about this, but I have no choice. Oh well...

Lets just hope she isn't suicidal.

Shelly

Great...I sincerely hope not...that's all I need....can't win for losing...sig

Don't bathe or brush your teeth and eat lots of beans, onions and garlic.

:lol:

You are not responsible for Whacko maintenance. It seems obvious to me that she has some sort of serious mental problem and what she is doing does not fall too short of stalking. I would not worry about her being suicidal as much as I would her being homicidal. Where she is headed, I don't think you want to go

Living in the "Animal House" at college we had this a lot. Have a party and people seem to think they need to stick around for the rest of the week.

One especially clingy guy got the message when we ignored his knocks and taps at the window he was looking in to see if we were there!
That caused the confrontation that got us to say that we need some time alone, he can come to our parties, he can come over sometimes but not all the time every day.
Some people just need the limits spelled out to them.
This guy wasn't that bad once he had those limits spelled out.

Just be blunt and tell her once a week, once every other day or whatever you want. Make it a scheduled thing because that's what it sounds like she needs.
If that doesn't work you've already got the advice on what to do next

--------------
History teaches us that history has taught us nothing.

How about saying something like: "I don't wish to spend my free time with you although you seem nice. I feel that you are actually harassing me. (I'd say 'harassing') I hope you will leave me alone for the most part now or I may have to bring in a third party to help me get the privacy I need. I hope you understand my position and will co-operate. Perhaps you could get counseling if you feel that you are having trouble coping with daily life. I'd be glad to try to arrange that for you. However, I am entitle to live in peace and expect you to respect that."

Pretty windy actually....so you could shorten it up....'Get lost!'.

I expect you are more concerned about her feelings than your own when face to face. I hope you will do what is best for you, soon.

We are all behind you Jenn.

There is a forest in an acorn.

It's difficult to help without more imfo.Is she old,young,living alone,relatives in area,children,computer savy,etc etc.Do you know her source of income?Is she rational in conversations.?There may be options other than the police and even Shellys last one that is sure to wor .Good luck

81 Newbee

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

>Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that
>person to
>use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
>

Oh *Reeeaaalllly? They don't just send you a ton of things they just found out (which is actually old news to you), or chain-emails, Or a ton of forwarded poems, rantings, or almost anything they can think of to you, with the entire mile long list of of other people that it was also forwarded through as well? Then, something crashes... or it doesn't work anymore, so you fix it for them, and they call you again for something else...

From what I know she is about 19 years old, she has a 4 month old baby, and she is living with someone who I think is somewhat violent, although I'm not sure of that. She is on welfare and seems to be quite proud of that. One time when she was here she called her boyfriend and all of a sudden handed me the phone because he thought she was at some guys house instead of my house, and wanted me to tell him she wasn't with another guy. That is when I really got nervous - no way do I need to get involved with that type of stuff. She also, to put it kindly, seems to be a bit "off". She has also broken a glass window in this building because she was "frustrated" with her boyfriend, and in addition to that she has said she is on medication. I did reciprocate her friendly overtures in the beginning because I could tell she desperately needed a friend, and I couldn't bear to hurt her feelings. But it is becoming clear to me that she needs more help than I can give her, and I am afraid that at some point the situation will escalate into something more dangerous- it's just a feeling I have. She even came and stood outside my door last night at 11:30 , not even knocking, just standing there for about 5 minutes. I am really out of my league here

Wow!.Obviously the kid is in over her head and your initial kindness has sparked the need she has for someone to look after her.It is going to be difficult to change this.You are in a large city so some help may be available.You need to learn more about the girl.Does she have family in the area?Does she belong to any religion?Is she married to the guy and is he the father of the child.Are there signs of abuse?You say she is on welfare,does she have visits (because of the child)etc.Contact the city agencies for possible resources.As a last resort,explain that you are "very busy" and set a specific hour once a week to see her.This need not be at your apt.A nearby park or coffee shop would be good until you can learn what city or church resources are available.I don't believe calling the cops will help on this.She is in over her head and you are look like help to her.Your best recourse is to find other help for her in the city if you can.When you learn more facts contact the city agencies or churches

81 Newbee

I hadn't thought of meeting with her in a public area. I would definitely feel a little safer, and that way, with a designated time per week, I wouldn't have to completely cut her off. Thanks for the great advice everyone

Jenn,

Use caution. You've inadvertently stumbled into a potential domestic violence situation. Most likely your neighbor is desperately seeking help and does not have the basic sense, knowledge, or resources to get out from under the control of her boyfriend or whatever he is. Also, your neighbor may not be all there and there is no telling what skeletons are lurking about.

I suggest you call the administrative line at The Milwaukee Womens Center 414-272-6199 and relay your story. Do so soon, preferably first thing Monday morning. They will give you information to safeguard yourself and how to provide information and assistance for your neighbor. Do not get directly involved!

Note that giving your neighbor the crisis-line number could be dangerous. Ask the agency how to do it. It needs to be disguised from the boyfriend because he likely goes through your neighbors purse and personal items. Finding a phone number might set him off.

It is best not to invite your neighbor in. Be careful.

I also suggest you keep the crisis line number available for yourself in case you hear them getting violent or need help for yourself.

If in serious doubt of your safety, dial 911.

Again, go here and explore the site.

Milwaukee 24 hour crisis line 414-671-6140

Administrative line is 414-272-6199

Milwaukee Womens Center at 611 N. Broadway, ste. 230


Allyn

Thank you! Those are excellent resources, and I will take advantage of them on Monday. I guess I probably should have thought of that but my nerves are a little fried right now. Thanks agai

I didn't read in any of your posts what she looked like..

Not a chunky little blonde by any chance?

You could come on strong with some alternate sexual appetites except, of course, she might be into the same thing.......

Okey, after reading # 21 I'll give a more serious answer...She is trouble, she will try to make her friend jealous be bringing up your name or worse. I've been there, twice, and this is real trouble.

Not funny, shake loose of this, don't be friendly, the guy will get you. Tell her you're gay, whatever.....

DO NOT go into their apartment and DO NOT let her into your's...

I'm telling you man, this is not funny. I've seen it before....

>I didn't read in any of your posts what she looked like..
>
>Not a chunky little blonde by any chance?



I hope you are kidding...she IS a chunky little blond...

Get intervention now, next get a 2x4 to put behind your door handle, then prop one end against a 2x4 nailed to the floor. Can't kick the door in, have to shoot off the hinges.

I can see it now, six dead, 14 wounded in domestic shoot out. Only traffic stops makes cops more nervous than domestic calls.

Under Construction

Move ....now!

>Move ....now!


I would love to...unfortunately right now our winters are pretty hard financially due to my husbands seasonal job...any work he gets in the winter is snow removal...kinda hit and mis

WOAH. Back up. You have a husband? Well, if you can't find it in your heart to tell her off, surely your husband can put an end to this situation. Why hasn't he?

>WOAH. Back up. You have a husband? Well, if you can't find
>it in your heart to tell her off, surely your husband can put
>an end to this situation. Why hasn't he?


My husband is, shall we say, "passive aggressive".... he just tells me what I should say...lotta good that does m

Hmmmmm, so who wears the pants in your house?



Ed W.

>Hmmmmm, so who wears the pants in your house?
>
>
>
>Ed W.



Take a wild guess.

>>Hmmmmm, so who wears the pants in your house?
>>
>>
>>
>>Ed W.
>
>
>
>Take a wild guess.



Those pants look mighty fine on you Jenn.

Seriously, do not encourage any friendship. It's sometime hard to be "frank" with someone who is that far out there.

How about when you answer the door you have the phone in your hand and say "Sorry, I'm on the phone, I can't talk to you just now." If you are blunt you will always wonder about what will happen to you or your family.

I wouldn't even encourage you to meet her in public....it only enforces her into thinking that you want to encourage your friendship with her.

Tread lightly my friend, and feel very sorry for her. She is in a no win situation, from what you say in your post. You may be the only "friend" she has - in her mind.

What you say is true. On Monday, I told her bluntly that I thought she was a nice person, and that if she REALLY needed something she could call, but not to come over because I am very busy. Well that went in one ear and out the other. She was knocking at my door at 9:30 Tuesday morning. I have already contacted the agencies that Allyn recommended, but there is nothing else I can do at this point. I do feel very very sorry for her, but I cannot risk being in too much contact with her. She obviously can't or won't respect my wishes to be left alone, so if she continues to bother me, I will try to take some kind of further action. Who I feel the most sorry for however, is her 4 month old baby, who already has a tough little life, and a hard road ahead of him

It sounds like you have a good heart and are concerned about her feelings. I know it's easier said than done but being honest with her may hurt her. Try not to allow her feelings to "Rent Space in your Head". You're not responsible for her reaction. You can still allow yourself to have a good heart within limits. Keep up the good work.

Wadda ya mean, you got a husband?

Are you a female, I thought we were talking to a guy.....

Well, advice is the same, stay away.......

>Wadda ya mean, you got a husband?
>
>Are you a female, I thought we were talking to a guy.....
>
>Well, advice is the same, stay away.......

Find a legal article on harassment and put it in her mail-box anonymously.

That's terrible advice. I doubt a pamphlet on harassment will deter this women from seeking out Jenn as a "friend". She might actually figure out it was Jenn who put it there and change her feelings about her and become more dangerous because she feels betrayed.

Well she hasn't bothered me today because yesterday she got on my last nerve and I basically told her to take a long walk off a short pier. Probably not the best thing I could have done, but there is only so much I can take..

You should have done that from the beginning. Sometimes the direct approach is the best.

Guns don't kill people. Husbands who come home early kill people.

A side note...

I've never understood these violent types of guys who go through life being angry and ready to punch the shit out of anyone who goes against them.

No one OWNS another, marriage is NOT a default to subservience and slavery...

First off, if I had a wife who wants loose then I would pay her way...Why would anyone WANT someone around them living in fear and wanting to get away?

I don't get it and never have, never will......

Yeah, that's another in my long list of "don't get its".

Yeah, you can add that to the long list of things we hate in the other thread.

I was raised to know that you *NEVER hit or abuse a woman or child, EVER!

That's why it bothered me to find out that sometimes when my father-in-law gets to drinking Tanduay & San Miguel, he sometimes gets very violent. Once, he even hit my wife with the car. (This was before we were married, but it's another big reason I want to get her out of there!) It doesn't happen very often, but even once, is too much! I let him know that under no uncertain terms, I would not tolerate him hitting her. It was very important to my wife before we got married to *know that I'm not violent and that I'm not a drinker.

Just a suggestion but you might call your local al-anon and explain your situation and see if they know or have open meetings to go to and find out the time of one and invite her to go. If anything this will get more people to support her rather than just you, and if she dont want the help and thinks that you are going to one of these meeting she might just back off from calling or coming over all the time. Some people just love to live in their self pity and do not want to seek help. I have had to do it before with a gal i worked with, but once i went to al-anon and invited her she quit calling and visiting for she didnt want to hear about it or go with me.

I do hope you find a solution for this, so that you can keep your own peace of mind.

Also try printing up a sign that says busy dont knock or ring bell. Dont know if ya can do this but maybe block her calls,

That's a good idea. I have tried everything else, and so far nothing has worked. In fact, she is knocking on my door as we speak, which I am not going to answer. Thanks everyone for all the great suggestions

But you haven't used the best one yet. Hitch up those pants and use Shelly's second choice.



Ed W.

>But you haven't used the best one yet. Hitch up those pants
>and use Shelly's second choice.
>
>
>
>Ed W.



I'll get right on that..

You may not have to actually harm her. Just let her overhear you supposedly talking someone on the phone. Your side of the imaginary conversation might go something like this:

"Yes, I know it wasn't a nice thing to do, but the reason I shot at you was because you kept annoying me. You knew I liked to be left alone. Of course I remember cutting you with a butcher knife. Now, admit it, you were aggravating the fool out of me; besides eight stitches should be nothing to you. What I really wanted to do was gut you with that knife! Do not call me anymore; I'm a much better shot now!"

Then, in the future, you may only have to remind her that she's beginning to bother you.

Pointman

I have the ultimate solution: Dress your husband up like "The Gimp" from Pulp Fiction, tie a leash to him, and leave him outside your front door with some bones and a dead rat. That should also be used right after Pointmans sage counsel.

You guys are truly insane....I love it!!

Just ask her if you can borrow $100, but you are not sure when you will be able to pay her back. She will avoid you like the plauge

:lol:

The best suggestion yet. I totally concur. Just ask her if you can borrow $100, but you are not sure when you will be able to pay her back. She will avoid you like the plague Great answer..

Hi Jenn,

A good friend of mine is a supervising sergeant (22 years on the job) with the Lexington, KY police dept. I asked her to take a look at this thread and give me her input. She authorized me to relay it to you.

In a nutshell, she said the woman has a problem, her behavior is harassment in the legal sense, and your best recourse is court action.

What she suggests is to tell the woman that her behavior is harassment, and that it's reportable. Tell her that you will call the police if she continues, and that you will follow through with court action.

Then, start documenting everything. Date and time of what you say to her, what she says to you, when she calls relative to being told not to etc.

Try to arrange for witnesses. Have a friend over that would be willing to testify to the basic details - that she (the friend) saw the woman at your place at this time etc. Try to be on the phone with someone (that would be willing to testify) when she comes over. Anything to corroborate your story.

Most important of all, if you tell the woman that you will pursue court action, you must follow through. If you don't, you've given her the biggest green light you can. She'll see that you're soft, that your words are hollow, and you'll never get rid of her. What's really happening is she's being abused in some fashion by her boyfriend, and she's passing that on to you - she perceives you as willing to take it. She's making you a victim just like she is, and you need to decide if you want to allow that.

Thank you very much Bob! I hadn't wanted to keep updating what she was doing for fear of boring everyone here to deat , but here is what I have done so far. I have verbally told her in no uncertain terms that she is no longer welcome to contact me. I have given her the crisis numbers that Allyn kindly supplied me with. I have stopped answering the door when she knocks (she knocks on my door 2-3 times per day). I have politely blown her off when she walks up to me outside. I have recorded 2 phone conversations with her during which I told her to not contact me. When none of the above worked, I got extremely rude with her. To date none of this has worked, and I had to endure at least 10 minutes of straight knocking on my door no less than 1 hour ago. I have absolutely had it. I will now take the steps you have outlined for me, and see what happens. I appreciate your help

>and I had to endure at least 10 minutes of straight knocking
>on my door no less than 1 hour ago.

The above excerpt from your last reply, made me wonder if.......
To keep incessantly knocking as she did; is she at your door because she is trying to get away from a potential powder keg in her own apartment?(this charmer of a boyfriend you mention) Obviously not every time she comes to your door is she in danger (from him) I wouldn't think. But, perhaps at times she is. Some people do not want police involved in their problems. For numerous reasons. She could be afraid of the repercussion from him if she involves the police, she could have warrants, the boyfriend could have warrants, or they could both have criminal records or whatever. The list goes on. Thus, she is running to you instead. I would suggest talking to your local police and see if, when she comes to your door and just doesn't give up, see if they (the police) can be there PDG to escort her home and check out the situation there. Fear makes people do strange things and she sure is doing strange things Domestic violence is a horrible way of life for the victim. They can become desperate and do things that are not rational. You could be saving her life and that of her child's, if you approach this whole situation through the proper channels. Talk to your local police. For all you know, they could very well have this couple in their records for similar situations. Her harassment or his violence.

Just a thought.

At the next opportunity to speak with her (that she initiates) tell her that you are sorry but you cannot handle this and that from this moment on you are going to have to ignore her. Wish her the best, and NEVER answer the door or the phone for her again, EVER. She made it 19 years without you so far; she will survive. In her mind she has some reason(?) for her behavior so she will have to satisfy whatever that is by eventually going elsewhere. Make her give up on you.