I don't know if you remember that my husband is living away from me because of alcoholism and domestic violence. He is finally, finally going to get to see a psychiatrist! Whew! It's been a long struggle to get him to this point because of waiting for an opening, and even the Sars scare shut down the treatment centre where he just got admitted. It is supposed to be a wonderful place, well known. He can be there for 3 or 4 weeks max. BTW, Sars is virtually over here in Toronto now. Now we are bracing for West Nile virus. Yikes!

The problem with us is that he suffers from EXTREME anxiety and fears. He gets hysterical when things are stressful. His fears are so unbelievably strong that it renders him frozen and immobile. He calls this severe procrastination. Then the results of this is that he can't handle normal activities like working comfortably at a job and interacting with family and community.

He gets severely fretful, with extreme psychological and physical reactions. So far his meds are not helping, and he is going to increase his dosage.

But my question is this: he lashes out with cruelty and complete selfishness. He is so intent on protecting himself and he expresses his fears like a child and does not take into consideration how his words and thoughts and ideas hurt and wound others. He has severely insulted me and said such vicious things when he feels like a trapped animal that is it shocking.

I am extremely sensitive to criticism and so we end up in a real chaotic situation. He is scared, lashes out, I get hurt, angry, my anger bothers him, he gets worse...and so on...vicious circle.

Right now I told him that my doctor found a lump in my breast and I need to go for a mammogram. He said to me, shaking and crying and panicking "does this mean you are going to die?" You can image how much this hurt and shocked me. It was selfish of him. He didn't offer any reassurances or support. He just worried about how this affects him.

I don't know how to forgive him for saying such a selfish thing. It is just one in a long, long series of mean things. What would you do? I know he loves me and he said he wants to be with me and help me and doesn't want to lose me. He is so sorry for drinking and causes me grief.

On the other hand, as much as he can be heartless, he is just the opposite other times. I have never met a man in my life, or anyone in fact, who is kinder, gentler, more considerate to me. He actually knows me, how I think, what I feel, as much as I know myself. He has insights and wisdom and is very spiritual. But he can be a punk too. LOL. I don't want to live without him but he is hell to live with at times. Other times, he is an angel to be treasured.

But how do you learn to cope with his harsh words? You can't just shoot off your mouth and not consider what you are saying to someone else. Why can't I get that through his head?

I am trying to figure out if I made the change to become less susceptible to his words, and those of others too, would that help?
Should I be more thick skinned and not let other's insensitivity bother me? I guess I see how hard it would be for me to make such a sweeping change in me, and it makes me appreciate how hard it will be for him.

He still needs to see a psychiatrist and he will most willing to do that. He knows he needs it.

There is a forest in an acorn.

You are in a co-dependent relationship. Get out!

Sorry, Brenda, I'm with Ropera on this one.

Hello Brenda

I am so very sorry to learn about your domestic problems and you've clearly got an awful lot to put up with in your daily life.

My thoughts are with you!

My wife also discovered a breast lump earlier this year. After a biopsy, she had prompt surgery, followed by radiation therapy and is now takes Tomoxafin daily.

She came through it very good spirits and is doing really well. In fact she's already planning a trip to visit friends in Toronto this fall.

As to your husband, alcoholism is of course a serious problem in itself and most always only AA seems to be able to help, as there is no cure as such.

For the other symptoms which you describe, it appears that he may well be suffering from Clinical Depression, which can be a quite serious condition,.

His Psychiatrist should be able to treat CD, but the sort of symptoms which you have described might present themselves for a while.

Unless you are already planning to do so,I would recommend going to see the Psychiatrist together.


Best wishes, Brenda.

Mitch

Brenda, I hope you dont mind me chipping in. I have read a few posts from you regarding you and your husbands problems. I am no psychiatrist but would think if your husband could put the bottle aside it would help with the domestic violence. Your love for the man is commendable. Personally, I abhor any man who takes a fist to his spouse. I have lost a couple of so called friends due to my feelings on that.

I wish you all the best in the future and if it is with your husband, then I hope he finds the help he needs.

Brenda, I think you just got some good advice. Good luck.

Pointman

I have six children and my advice to my daughters and future daughters-in-law was, "If he ever hits you, run, don't walk, and get out."

The problem is that if they ever hit once, they will do it again. It is not worth your physical well-being or mental anguish.

Bill K.

I too suffer from aniexty attacks when the slightest thing goes awry, however I go the other way. I retreat, having suffered abuse as a child I could never attack anyone except in self defense.

So, despite your feelings his violent outburst are the first concern ahead of everything.

The stats are really not good for the situation, so you must start with Ropera comments. Being co-dependent means that you must understand yourself and co-dendency before you could even consider moving forward in the relationship.

His issues are totally his and while you can participate in his recovery, it's like the old phychitrist joke. How many phychitrist's does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the bulb must want to change.

So, first get distance and physical safety, then seek help for co-depency and your issues. Then monitor your husband's progrss from safety and participate as warranted by doctor and more importantly your self.

Beware of the hero role in codependency, you cannot save a person determined to self destruct unless they decide that something is more important.

My Dad was a bonefide alky, drank every night, 7 days a week, came home between 11pm and 12am. Often angry and determined to take it out on someone, mom worked nights since dad's money with to booze.

So, being the oldest I became the co-dependent Hero determine to shield my brother and sister, which didn't work and left me frustrated.

I am much better now, as long I take the meds and the ECD, seriously though you can survive it. It takes humor and a determination that often leaves other people mumbling in your wake.

Hang in, focus on yourself first.

Under Construction

There are only three types of men that beat women: cowards, pussies, and those that are both.

Acadia

I have read these types of things in Dear Abbey and Ann Landers .
And they both would probably have you ask yourself "are you better off with him or without him ? "
Only you know the answer to that.

BIG BROTHER

Brenda; I have a question for you. Are you an enabler?

Check this out:

http://www.hazeldenbookplace.org/authors/Authors_bio.asp?author_id=4

My husband was arrested Dec.8th,2002 and has not lived at home since. He started in a men's shelter then rented a room and drank and drank till he was sick. He has been in the hospital after having a seizure from alcoholism. He was then in a dry house and now this well-known treatment centre. Then he will go back to the dry house. You cannot work in a dry house during your stay. So he has to then go to a Recovery house which allows you to work. He is detoxed now and acting more normal (non-violent) but I have been watching with great curiosity how his general behaviour will be sober. I have never lived with him sober. Much to my disappoint he has extreme anxiety attacks and says he has an underlying anger that he can't explain and he is overwhelmed with all the credit cards he has not paid since Nov.2002 and fears finding a job because he gets anxiety when working if there is pressure.

So he is still complicated, unfortunately. But he ain't coming home like that! I won't let that happen. I have to see some changes. If the psychiastrist can't help him, no one can, and I will not reunite with him.

He is so unfront about all of this, so completely honest and forthright. He admits all of it, is sorry, and wants to change.
It's a 50/50 chance that he can, perhaps??

But, still we MISUNDERSTAND each other. Or at least, he claims his remarks are NOT meant in a bad way but I misinterpret them. Today we talked about his watch. I had bought him a good watch but I threw it out when he left. I bought him a cheaper watch $30 when he was drinking before the hospital so he could keep his appointments with the police station, John Howard society etc. He told me that his new watch was the chevy version of the cadillac he had before, and he tried to set things on it but it just didn't have the features of the other watch.

I took that as a complaint. I thought, what nerve that s.o.b. has!
He never gave me a single penny since moving from the U.S.A. but now has the nerve to say his replacement watch is not good enough?!?!

So I asked him. He said he LOVES the watch. He told me he meant he was glad it had less features because there is less to go wrong. And I was supposed to get from those two sentences he said that he loved it and was glad it was simpler! How the hell.....?????

So again, over and over and over and over.....we have this trouble ALL of the time....he says things that seem rotten and then insists they are not really...it's just me taking it wrong.

So, one thing we need to do is fix this. We both said today we need to have a tape recorder. LOL.

I don't know if I am at fault, partially or fully or not at all. There are hundreds and thousands of instances like this. I am always outraged by his remarks and how he feels about things. He says he is socially retarded and just doesn't know how to act differently. He said "I always think of you as a pal and think I can say anything to you and that you would always appreciate the truth".

I keep saying we need a referee living with us. In fact, these arguments are one of the most disruptive things in our lives. He says really mean, cruel things, or stupid unfeeling things, or vague things....and I always take them to heart and feel slighted. I am famous for being overly sensitive.

I wish I could fix this aspect of our relationship. We are both determined to do it. I told him "if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all". Like about my lump. Just tell me it's going to be nothing serious...don't ask me if I am going to die now!

He never belted me. I got bruised from being pushed and pulled in his attempt to make me come around to his side during some of those same kind of fights. He says ugly things, or selfish things, and I get pissed off.

Over and over and over.....

We do need the tape recorder. Perhaps a video tape too to show facial expressions. LOL

I am getting tired of the struggle to make things work. I can't take a whole lot more.

But if anyone knows what we should do about this differences from what I HEAR and what he SAYS HE SAID....I'd appreciate it.

I am sorry for anyone who has lived with alcoholism. Most of the men in the places he has been in recently are crack addicts. One was doing "listerine". They are very disturbed compared to my husband on a normal day. He is very normal most of the time. But put ANY crisis or pressure on him....then it's sudden panic that turns him into a Jeckyll and Hyde.

Dang.....if this relationship ever works out....I will buy you all a beer! Only my hubby can't have any!

Take care.

There is a forest in an acorn.

I lived thru something similiar to your situation. I saved myself & ran as fast as i could. You can't fix or save anyone but yourself. I would never go back to this period in my life. It was hell on earth. If i hadn't left i would probably be in the gutter with him also. It was the best thing i ever did. I don't regret any decision i have made good or bad. The bad ones I always learned from and they make me who i am today. Your the only one that can make that decision. I know its very scary & hard to do but sometimes you have to deceide what is best for you. I didn't realize what kind of hell i had been living until i had been out of it for a while. Thats when you realize that life is not normal or healthy for anyone.

It might help to educate yourself and get a support group:

http://www.al-anon.org/

Maybe it's just me, but I think the first step would be to try to understand the psychological underpinnings of his actions. I'm certainly no psychologist, but his behavior seems telling of something beyond just general anxiety disorder, perhaps extending into a personality disorder of some sort. Talk with his psychiatrist, maybe he has some idea of what's going on.

Sounds almost like a mild form of schizophrenia, I forget the name of it.. has something to do with when you create a different reality for yourself, and then all of a sudden you start living within that reality.. sort of like convincing yourself of stuff, but to a greater (and more dangerous) degree.

Schizotypal disorder? Yeah, that's what I was thinking too, or maybe even an autistic spectrum disorder (which would explain the perceived misunderstandings). Still, only a psychologist can really offer anything definitive.

Might be something here:

http://www.narsad.org

Thank you all. He told me on Monday he was going to apply for "housing". This is not what I expected. He was supposed to go to the Treatment Centre, then the dry house, then a recovery house.
I was so shocked that he was applying for "housing" which I thought would involve him signing a lease and planning on staying there....I stopped communication between us. Then he said what he meant was he was applying for the recovery house! Another misunderstanding.

But when he heard I would not talk to him he went hysterical and had the shakes and couldn't eat and had full blown anxiety and was crying and sick. But the doctors and social workers saw for themselves what happens when he is upset. So as much as I regret another misunderstanding....I was glad they got the full picture.

I am looking forward to finding out what is wrong with him, for his sake and mine. I'll let you know when I find out.

My prayers are that it is something treatable and he will finally find the calm and security and peace he is seeking. I hope his fears will lessen or disappear. I want him to be happy.

But he has to stop being mean and selfish. But I know deep down he is not. It's all protection for him. Layers and layers of emotional reactions to ward off something awful. His dad died of a brain tumor when he was 7 years old and he went into a depression then thinking he was going to die. He had to do a book report for school shortly after on a book about someone who died of a brian tumor, and that really shook him up too. Then his mom died from drinking.

Very few would have reacted as strongly as he did, no matter how dire the situation was. But for him, it screwed him up. He has a learning disorder too, but is very intelligent and well spoken and gentle. He loves to watch documentaries and cooking shows and historical shows on tv. He abhors violence and greed.

He is complicated, but I love him so much that I want to try my damnest to help him and us. We talked today about neutral subjects and it was cute. When things are calm and peaceful for him, he is at his best.

I am going to get involved with the family plan at the treatment centre even though it is far away and I have to take time off work to get there. He had not told them all of his problems so I have filled them in. They will even extend his stay to help him.

I am so grateful to them.

Thanks again....hope you are enjoying the long weekend.

I am enjoying being a full time mom again btw. My daughter finished her first year of college with wonderful grades and is just finishing driving school and now needs to have her wisdom teeth out.
Sound familiar? She is 20, and that's normal for her age. My son is a quiet boy fo 18. He is a very good decent young man. I was married 10 yrs the first time and we didn't have kids. I was married 2 or 3 yrs next time and had two kids. Then I was alone until a few years ago. So, husband/no-kids...then kids/no-husband. I never do things the easy way.

This is too much information....sorry. I am rambling on.

Please let me know if I can be of any help to anyone here. I'd be glad to lend an ear and see what I can do.

hugs all
Brenda

There is a forest in an acorn.

Learning disorder? Would that happen to be Nonverbal Learning Disorder? NLD is on the autistic spectrum (well, depending on who you ask), so he may have some of the difficulties relating to emotional reciprocity and understanding that's associated with autism.

Thanks Mr.Man
I am going to ask the professionals about that!

I was just musing over our inability to relate in everyday chatter, but still care so deeply about each other.

A few ideas: American vs Canadian? Are we different? We seem simliar...but maybe there is a difference. He finds us here in Canada more British-like...he lived there for a year or so. He was born on Long Island and then moved to Massachusetts.

Women are from Venus, men from Mars....that certainly has a bearing.

We both lived alone for over a dozen years before we met. I had my children to live for and devote my time to, he was sober for the last 8 years of his single life and just living simply. We have to learn to relate to each other and live together. In some ways we are SO similar it's uncanny.

And yes, he definitely has some personality disorders if he gets scared and worried and nervous. At times it's heartbreaking to see him suffer so much, other times he lashes out and it's just ugly.

I can't wait to hear what they have to say about him. I am sorry to bore you all, but I am just thinking out loud here. I have to figure this out! Arghhhh....

Thanks for the suggestion Mr.Man. Hope all is well with you and your family.

There is a forest in an acorn.

First of all Brenda, I want to send you my heartfelt wishes that the lump they found is nothing! I know it has to be very stressful for you to have to face all of the anxiety and fears that you will endure in the next few weeks.

Your love and devotion to your husband is quite commendable. All marriages are built on love and devotion. I am sure you are thinking that your husband is "sick" and you have to accept his behavior toward you because it is caused by an illness. Now, comes the hard part. The decision that you have to make. It is really what you are asking us. "Should I go on?"

He showed you just exactly how much he cared for your well being by worrying how a lump in your breast would affect him and not consoling you in any way. He is self centered to the core. If it is as you have written, it doesn't take someone with a degree to see that. Maybe your husband loves you as well as he knows how to, and as well as he is capable of loving anyone. But the truth is that kind of love is just not healthy for a marriage. By your own admission he hurts you while talking about everyday mundane subjects. If that is so, life with him on a daily basis as husband and wife would be just one big heartache.

Some people just do not tend to care about other people. Oh, they will talk a good story, even do little things to "help" others just to make a good "show" but when the chips are down, it is their own hide that they care about and no other. They can't seem to help themselves. It may be an illness, or a flaw in their character, or that they are just plain bad. But no matter what causes it , it is the way they are. They are what they are, and no matter how many programs or houses you put them in, that trait of always putting themselves first is going to stay there, they can't help it or change it. All of the other hang-ups and problems he has may be changed by some sort of behavior modification, but that gut instinct to "always think of and put himself first" is there. It's not going to change--it is a part of who/what he is.

So, that being said, you need to ask yourself if you are ready to live with that fact and all of his problems? Because, if you are going to live with him as your husband, then you are going to live with all of those problems smacking you in the face every day of your life. Are you willing to commit your life to someone who will always think of himself and not consider your feelings or well-being? It all comes down to what you feel you can live with. You are asking what to do about him, when the truth is, you need to be asking yourself, what you should do with your life? It is really up to him to "get himself well" and I am sad to say you just plain cannot do it for him!

You speak of physical violence, yet I think that living with someone who would emotionally hurt you on a daily basis would be just as harmful. Maybe even more harmful, after all, the law can step in when there is physical violence involved but emotional abuse can cut a very deep and lasting wound and there are no laws to protect you. No matter how much you love him, it will not change his behavior!! Standing by your man, does not mean that you enable him to continually act out in his immature manner.

You asked if you were overreacting to his remarks to you. And as one woman to another, I tell you that most men just plain do not see the emotion in everyday conversations like we women do. Now I do find that different from never putting your feelings or well being in the forefront. It is just that they don't seem to notice how certain remarks might be construed as mean or hurtful or insulting. I think there might have been a gene left out there somewhere? LOL Anyway, on that subject, it is best to take some good advice and "Don't sweat the small stuff!!!" But you know, sometimes we get upset at little things, only because the "big things" are just to much for us to handle.
Anyway, Good Luck, Brenda.

" Arlene
Life is a journey... not a destination. Enjoy the trip!

Well, I'm not so sure that his actions are motivated by purely selfish concerns. It could be that he doesn't understand how his actions and words affect others-- a classic trait of autism and autistic-spectrum disorders like NLD. He may not have showed concern because he either didn't know how to express such emotions or didn't understand how she feels (yes, I know you're thinking "typical male", but in people with such a disorder it's much more severe), in which case I think it would be better to meet with a psychiatrist and try to sort things out.

Hi MrMan,
I was not trying to say that his actions toward her were motivated by purely selfish concerns. What I was saying is that that is just the way some people are. They cannot help it, it is a part of them. They cannot change that about themselves. No matter the reason why, his lack of compassion for her is a part of the behavior she will have to live with. If she is going to stay married to a person like that, then that kind of behavior, no matter what the reason for it, will be a part of her life. Can she take it? Is she willing to take it?

And it is not only men who are like that.

" Arlene
Life is a journey... not a destination. Enjoy the trip!

to show compassion, but just doesn't understand how to do that. If it's just a lack of understanding as opposed to selfishness (inherit or not), then counseling could help a lot. It's certainly possible that conseling won't help at all, but it's worth a shot.

I agree that counseling should be an option. Her husband may "want" to show compassion, but the sad fact is what she will be living with, is what he "is", not what he might want to be. She needs to realize this and make her decisions for her own life while considering those facts.

She loves the man and desperately wants a "regular" life with him. She has been standing by him and it is all very commendable. You stand by someone you love. But what you have to realize when dealing with someone who has a mental illness or some sort of personality quirk. Is no matter how much you love them and how loyal you are, it is not going to change that person, You have to decide if you are strong enough to "take" it. You cannot wear rose-tinted glasses saying I will stay with him/her through it all until they are "cured". Often times there just plain is no cure. And then, is it a cure? Or is it the rest of us trying to change that person to fit our ideas of a "good" person. I am not even saying that someone is wrong for being without compassion. I am sure that there are lots of successful people out there who have no compassion for another person. I am saying that having compassion for a marriage partner contributes to a harmonious marriage.

When I read Brenda's posts what I get out of them is that she is looking forward to her husband being "cured". She needs to realize that mental illness is just not like other illnesses where a person leaves the hospital "cured". If you deal with a person who has these kinds of problems, then what you have to learn is that you either accept the problems or you move on. It may sound cruel of me to say that, but I am not trying to be stone cold about this. It is just that many a person has torn up their own lives thinking that someone they love will somehow change with the help of a doctor and counseling. It maybe could happen, but until then, you have to be prepared to live with them as they are and we are not talking about a couple of months or even a year or two. If it happens, it takes years!

" Arlene
Life is a journey... not a destination. Enjoy the trip!

Hi Brenda,I want to express my sincere regret that you have found yourself in such a hurtful situation.I have little to add that could help you change your man.What ever the instance it seems to me that YOU are the one who is expected to capitulate.In every instance you cite, HE has taken advantage of you.
Verbal abuse is frequently as devastating as physical abuse.Your children are old enough to understand what is happening.Do they consider your actions to date as reasonable?
If I were making the decision I would stop doing things the way you have.I would leave the decision TOTALLY up to him.He must change, not you!Your efforts to help merely enable him .It appears to me that he will never change as long as you continue to excuse his abuse.You don't have to give him an ultimatum.Just BACK OFF and let him fend for himself without using you.If he doesn't make it after all these chances ,he will NEVER change.
You seem to be too nice a person to go through this so often.
If this" sink or swim" option does not change him ,you and the children will be better off without his abuse.
I sincerely hope things work out for you.

81 Newbee

Thank you Newbie. I am determine to NOT repeat the past. Therefore I am insisting that he undergo therapy. And if they say not much will change....then it's decision time. Also, my health will have a bearing on this. I am just making a last ditch effort to save us. I know the chances are not great. But I have never lived with him while he was sober. I am so tired and lonely and sad. He is too. I hope we have all the fighting behind us. I know we both crave peace and joy. Who doesn't huh? I can honestly say, and this is the reason for sticking with this stupid situation: when he is good to me, I genuinely feel his love. He can be so sentimental and tender that it brings me true joy. He enjoys me too. When we are happy, we are extremely happy....in heaven.

It's like when an artist was asked how can you sculpt a horse out of a block of stone? He said...simple, just take away anything that isn't a horse.

We need to take away anything that is a good marriage and friendship.

And yes, my children are foremost in my thoughts. They are 20 and 18 and on the verge of leaving the nest. I am thoroughly enjoying them and in fact I am babying them more than I have for a while. Knowing these are their last few years at home has me choked up and I treat them like they are 8 and 10 years old. They tolerate it, so far. LOL

Life is blessed when you have children. I am lucky.
I wish you the best.

There is a forest in an acorn.

Good luck Brenda.I'm sure you know that all of us are wishing the best for you,Sincerely,

81 Newbee

Attachment #1, (jpg file)

I have to agree with Arlene on this call. On the one hand I really feel for the guy if he is trying, but I know what it is like to be around someone like this. My brother did the same to his wife and she wound up dead (she passed away on the operating table during open heart surgery at age 34). I still feel in my heart that he killed her through violence, drinking, neglect and worry for her two children. I am sorry to sell your hubby's soul down the river, but you should run like the wind from this loser. You can spend the rest of your life trying to "understand" his problems, and its not going to buy you anything but grief. Real men have problems too, but they are related to their worries as to how they will provide for their loved ones, not to trying to find their next drink or their next victim. That is what you will be if you don't get out and away (really really away) soon, a victim. I have a real bad feeling about this Brenda. I hope you make it kid

Thank you all very much.

First, let me say that I am not willing to spend the rest of my life with an asshole! But I do feel it's worth the chance that something can be done with professional help. Or at least, get a proper diagnosis. I just talked to him and he wants that too. He told me he had anxiety and depression in childhood and that his mom started to buy him bottles of wine when he was 15 years old and she would not talk or come out of her room or eat. He doesn't know why she bought him wine. I guess she figured it was "good medicine" for her and she wanted him to have some too??? But she died shortly after that. I don't know why he didn't refuse to drink it. He says it was self medication from his depression and anxiety.

So, if the shrink says he is hopeless and will never be normal and will never consider me in his thoughts and never be helpful and not harmful to me....I will divorce him. For sure! I am not a nut or a willing victim.

But I am determined to follow this through as far as I can with the medical community and you really have to push them to get help. It's been a struggle so far. His doctor refused to refer him to a psychiatrist BEFORE his arrest when I told him we were having serious problems, because the doctor did not want to be SUED! So now he has a medical history completely documented, with a criminal records, for all to see. There is no secret abuse happening any more like before. He is exposed.

I am wondering just how helpful any therapy can be, or medication. I have my fingers crossed. But, like I just told him on the phone, the only good advise I got from Al-Anon was "detachment". I told him if he started to drink again...I would just abandon him. I am not in it for better or worse, because his worse is too rotten.

I have never met anyone who was a real alcoholic before, or mentally ill. If he won't change at all, it will end up killing me to stay with him. Just as mentioned here. Too much stress can affect your health. My instincts tell me I am in danger of acquiring various illnesses and diseases from a life with a complicated, uncaring man like him. I will leave him first.

So....for the time being....I will try to get him "better". I don't know if they can help him. I don't know if he can care about anyone besides himself. But I won't be treated like dirt by him. I need respect just as we all do. And now there are so many people in my life who know how harmful he can act, that if more shit happens, I can ask for help to get away from him fast. I am not afraid to abandon our marriage. I am very independent.

There is a good part of him. I hope that prevails. We'll see.
Thanks for your time and effort. Let me know if I can reciprocate any time.

BTW, to those who are living with cancer, my heart and prayers and understanding go out to you.

UKMitch, give your wife my warmest wishes.

Casca, I had severe anxiety attacks in my early 20's. I have pretty much grown out of them. They are very mild and few and far between. Nothing like before. They way I handled it back then was to talk myself out of it. For instance, when I went out to a dance with my first husband who was a bit of a brute and he scared me and I became a living breath nerve. I had shakes, couldn't breathe, felt nauseous, etc. But I would look at my watch and say "I'll be home in my bed in 4 hours", I will be safe soon. This won't last forever. There is an end to this and it's coming up. I just have to hold out a bit longer. This helped me actually. It took a few years for this to really have an effect but I am pretty much cured now. I did go into the hospital one weekend and was given meds for anxiety. But after one afternoon there, ALL of my symptoms completely disappeared and I was relaxed and I was looking forward to a relaxing week in the hospital. The doc came around and said you can go home now! There is nothing wrong with you. Just getting away from your environment has helped you. It was shocked. So I went back to hubby and he was nicer for a while and I was stronger and learned a lesson. I can't let someone else scare me. BTW, I didn't put up with my current hubby's bad treatment long before I called the cops. I do protect myself. I am using some common sense.

Casca, see if you can talk yourself out of an attack. It takes practice. You ask yourself "what is it that I am afraid of?" You tell yourself "the sun will still come up tomorrow". You ask "what is the worse case scenario?" It's never as bad as you fear.

Thanks again all.
Take care.

There is a forest in an acorn.

Run, don't walk.

However, note that free advice is usually worth what it costs.

Ray

I handle most of fairly well, but going to sleep is a chore, dreams aside what is the most terrifying are the first moments when you wake up and you are not exactly sure where you are.

I know many will not understand this, but here goes. On more than one occasion, in Nam, I dreamed I was home, tastes, smells, people, everything, then I dreamed I woke up at home it's all over only to find I'm in Nam, but later (still in the dream), I wake and I home.

The dream looped came to a dramatic end when incoming rounds literally readjusted my reality and I came to clarity in bunker when I realized I wasn't dressed sitting next to a Viet Namese house girl.

After a couple of those dreams you are never really sure you are back, so every morning when I wake up I go through this anxiety. You see, in one dream I was an older fella, but when waking realized I dreamed that decades have passed.

So I have made progress on alot of issues, but I still say when panicked empty your magazine!

Under Construction

Viet Nam was a nightmare. I am sorry you experienced that.

Those dreams are understandable. Sleep was fleeting there, often interrupted, unsafe. These flashbacks and flashforwards are upsetting for you.

I am glad you are able to cope better with them. I don't know if they will ever go away, but I truly hope so.

There must be material to read about this. Have you done any research?

There is a forest in an acorn.

Update:
The psychiastrist told my husband the first thing he needs to do is be aggressive with anti-depressant drugs and they are going to increase them until he notices a difference in how he feels. He is taking Prozac. When he has found a dosage that works for him, then they will decide on a plan of action for him.

But his depression is very significant and severe and that is causing a lot of his problems, including his past substance abuse, anger, irritation, anxiety, violence, fears, anti-social behaviour, etc. He was also able to indentify to the doctor exactly when it started for him (when he was in grade seven) and why and how.

This is a first step. I am glad I am pushing him to do this and I am glad he has agreed to it. I hope it works out well for him, and I hope he keeps with it. He must not stop the meds before they tell him too. I think he sees that.

There is a forest in an acorn.

This guy is bad news, from the word GO! I'm guessing he's at least in his 50's. He's been a jerk all his life. Talk about baggage. What is he? A project for you? You trying to save him? At what cost? Your mental and physical health? 'Cause you're enabling, enabling, enabling. There have to be other men in Toronto who would love to be with you, because you appear to be a fascinating woman. Stop wasting your time and energy on this loser. I'm curious to what your kids think. Time to move on girl!

WoW IDH...
My sentiments exactly. You must have been reading my mind.
Brenda: How has this affected your children? Immencely I'll bet. They need to be away from this man!!!